


Hold Your Head High

by mvernet



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Gay male characters, Gaymance, Homophobic Language, M/M, Non-explicit slash, Title Inspired by Hold your Head Up By Argent, gay relationships, not a songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:51:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4133064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvernet/pseuds/mvernet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starsky  & Hutch knew from the beginning that living a "normal" straight life would not be an easy journey for either of them. The one constant in their lives was Me & Thee. This is a story about how Me & Thee became, We.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Let Them See You Cry, You Can Make It

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Starsky & Hutch. I do not profit from my writing.
> 
> Some of my story is based on true life events all names and places where changed to protect the innocent.
> 
> I referenced: Do Ask, Do Tell - Gays and Lesbians In Today's Law Enforcement by Lt. Eric V Winchell.

From "Hold Your Head Up" --- Argent  
(Gender pronouns respectfully changed by M.)

And if it's bad  
Don't let it get you down, you can take it  
And if it hurts  
Don't let them see you cry, you can make it  
Hold your head up, hold  
Hold your head up, hold  
Hold your head up, hold  
Hold your head high  
Hold your head up, hold  
Hold your head up, hold  
Hold your head up, hold  
Hold your head high  
And if they stare  
Just let them burn their eyes on you moving  
And if they shout  
Don't let it change a thing that you're doing

.oOOo.

Bay City Police Academy. Early 1970's.

Hutch was stretched out on his bunk in the Police Academy dorm room. His arm was over his eyes. His right eye was swollen. A small cut from a huge, manly. pinkie ring graced his black & blue jaw line. The blood from the cut dripped periodically onto his neck and he brushed it away, annoyed with it and himself. 

Starsky burst into the room and slammed the door behind him. He dropped to his knees next to Hutch's bunk.

"I heard... let me see. Jeez, Hutchinson... Let me see your face!" Starsky sounded like he'd run a mile in a minute.

"I'm okay, Starsky. It's not like I never got in a fight before..." Hutch didn't make a move to look at Starsky.

"You ain't never gotten into a fight while I was your roomie before! Let. Me. See!"

Starsky gently removed Hutch's arm from his eyes.

Their eyes met with an instant understanding. Starsky saw his own pain in Hutch's good eye, and Hutch saw empathy in both of Starsky's.

"Who." said Starsky, his eyes darkened to steel blue.

"No way I'm telling you that!" 

Hutch tried to get up and clutched at his throbbing rib cage. Starsky grabbed him and helped him to sit up.

"Why, Hutch? What happened? Tell me that at least."

Hutch smiled at his new nickname. He liked it because he liked David Starsky. And he liked David Starsky even more now that he saw the need to avenge Hutch pulsing through Starsky's body. Starsky made sure Hutch was stable, then ran to the bathroom for hot water and a towel to clean Hutch's face.

"Starsky, it was my own fault. I went out to that wooded area behind the administrative office. I noticed a small stream ran through it. I sat under a tree playing my guitar. Singing quietly and... crying."

Hutch hung his head obviously in misery.

"Why for ya were cryin', Hutch?"

Hutch had already noticed that Starsky spoke fluent Brooklynese when he was upset. Hutch took a deep breath. Which hurt like hell. When he found his voice again, he decided to tell Starsky the truth. Starsky was going out of his way to be a good friend to Hutch. He deserved to know.

Starsky sat on the bed and cupped Hutch's face in his hands. Starsky examined the wounds carefully and started gently wiping away the pain and blood.

"A friend of mine died two years ago today. I wanted to play him his favorite song, and remember him."

"That's nice, Hutch, why..."

"I was singing a love song, Starsky. I wrote it for him. He was my lover. I'm gay, Starsky."

Hutch held his breath.

Starsky put the towel down and looked at Hutch. Hutch tried to read his reaction, but failed. 

"What was his name?" asked Starsky.

"Elijah" Hutch breathed out the name softly.

"What happened to him?" 

"He was waiting for me at a gay bar in Duluth. The bar was raided. Some homophobic cop hit him over the head with a night stick. Several times. Elijah died before I even arrived."

"That's why you're here." Starsky stated. Hutch nodded.

Starsky looked right through him.

"Not revenge. You want to be the cop who protects the innocent, like Elijah. Make a difference."

Hutch nodded again. Starsky could read his mind and his heart. Hutch trusted him.

Starsky remained silent for a few minutes, seemingly lost in thought. He shook himself and went to the bathroom to get some anti-bacterial ointment and a bandage.

He sat beside Hutch again and continued his first aid.

Hutch let out the long held breath at his soft touch. His new friend seemed to be accepting him. More than that he seemed to understand.

"Spence." said Starsky out of the blue.

"What?" said Hutch.

"In Nam. His name was Spence. I loved him. I watched him die. I don't want to talk about it. Just want you to know we're on the same page."

Hutch tried to smile with a split lip. He managed half a smile.

"I think that was the most endearing outing I ever heard, Starsky."

Starsky managed a real smile at that.

"So, what's the odds, huh, Hutch? That we should find each other? Must be fate." said Starsky.

"Fate or the fact that you've gone through two room mates in three weeks. I finally felt sorry for your ass and took you in."

"Oh, yeah? How many did you go through, Mister Congeniality?"

"Three." Hutch smirked.

"Guess we were lookin' for each other and didn't know it, huh?"

Starsky reached for Hutch's guitar.

"The day ain't over yet. How's about ya sing Elijah's song for me. We'll remember Elijah and Spence together."

Hutch felt his heart squeeze in his chest. This man. This wonderful man. This Starsky. Was making him feel alive again. Like something long missing was being restored.

Hutch took the guitar and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he began to sing, sweet and low.

Early in the morning, just before I wake,  
I dwell for a while in the enchanted space  
Where our cherished love is commonplace  
Where I give to you all that you can take

While the world turns in my arms

Turn to my waiting embrace  
Turn to my safe hold  
Turn to me and kiss my lips  
While the world turns in my arms

Early in the morning, before I seize the day  
I cling to your sweet sleeping form  
Wrapped in care and free from harm  
Hate filled words and cruel hearts are far away

While the world turns in my arms

Turn to my waiting embrace  
Turn to my safe hold  
Turn to me and kiss my lips  
While the world turns in my arms

Hutch finished and held the last note, letting it fade into a sob. He clung to his guitar like it could somehow give him comfort.

Starsky stood and removed the guitar from Hutch's grasp. He sat next to Hutch and held his quivering shoulders.

"You did good, Hutch. Real good. I know they're both smilin' down on us." 

Hutch looked up and he was taken into Starsky's embrace. He held on tight.

Starsky smoothed Hutch's hair and spoke softly in his ear.

"Shhhh, Buddy. I got ya. Ain't lettin' go. You let it out. I know. I know..."

As Hutch quieted, Starsky managed to maneuver them both onto the bed. He never let go of Hutch as he kicked off his sneakers and tucked himself behind him. Starsky placed gentle kisses on Hutch's cheek.

"You go to sleep now, babe. I'll watch over ya. "

Hutch relaxed and let him.

.oOOo.

Hutch awoke several hours later to an empty dorm room. He glanced at Starsky's bed. His clothes and books were still there. Hutch sighed.

"Maybe he'll stay," he said to the empty room.

The door was flung wide again and Starsky entered with a plastic tray loaded with food.

"Ya missed mess call, Blondie. Can't have my roomie starvin'!" His laugh was infectious.

Hutch chuckled.

"Starsk, you didn't have to do that. You'll get in trouble." Hutch wasn't concerned enough turn down the impromptu meal. He grabbed a yogurt container and a spoon as soon as Starsky plopped down on his bed

"Naaa, I won't get in trouble. I just turned on the ole Starsky charm. Had the night cafeteria lady eatin' out of my hand. Dolores sends her regards." Starsky tore open a corn chips bag with his teeth. The chips went all over Hutch's sheets.

"Whoops. Hey! What did you call me?" Starsky popped escaped chips into his mouth.

"Huh? Oh, Starsk. You know, Hutch, Starsk."

Starsky smiled.

"I like it, Hutch."

Hutch grabbed half a tuna sandwich at the same time Starsky did. They smiled at each other, fingers brushing.

"You're married right?" Starsky licked the tuna from the sides of his sandwich.

"Yeah, Vanessa. I...I don't think it will be for much longer. She was not happy about my decision to become a cop."

"She know about you bein' gay?" Starsky ate the last of his sandwich. Hutch glanced at his mouth, then took a bite of his own sandwich.

"Yeah. That's why she's so angry. She thought she'd make a new man of me. Wanted me to be a doctor. She didn't care if I was gay. As long as she could dress me up and show me off and spend my money."

"Do you love her, Hutch?"

"I... I do... did. She was understanding, you know? I thought she was a real friend."

"That was a whole bunch of was, there, buddy. Didn't she know a tiger can't change its spots."

Hutch smiled.

"Think that's leopard, buddy." Hutch watched his friend take a swig from a bottle of Pepsi.

"Huh? Hey! Ya want? " Starsky offered his soda. Hutch declined.

"So, ahhhh, Hutch. You give up men? I mean after Elijah?"

"Yeah. You?" Hutch touched Starsky's knee. "After, Vietnam?"

Starsky nodded. "I want a normal life, Hutch. Cop, wife, kids, dog. Ya know, normal. The other life, Hutch. I ain't a coward. But I ain't a fool. I can't hack hidin'. Worryin' about comin' home and findin' my love... Like you Hutch. Like what happened to Elijah."

"I agree, Starsk. That's why I'm here. I don't think I could live through what I went through with Elijah again. I loved him. I was selfish. I should have left. I'm not ever going to let my emotions rule my head again. Never again. Normal. Like you said. Normal is enough."

Hutch looked up and Starsky nearly gasped. He saw the hurt, the despair and the untouched pool of love in Hutch's eyes. Hutch stared into Starsky's steel blue eyes and saw hope for the future. Maybe he didn't have to be so lonely on his journey towards normal.

"Hutch?"

"Starsk?"

"We could..." They both said the words at the same time. Their laughter filled the room.

"Partners?" said Hutch.

"As soon as possible. We'll do good..." Starsky started.

"...and make sure we get assigned to the same precinct." finished Hutch.

"Me & Thee, Hutch."

Huh?

Starsky looked down suddenly embarrassed. 

"Just somethin' my Pop used to say. Means who can ya trust. Me..." Starsky pointed at his heart.

"And Thee." Starsky pointed at Hutch's heart.

Hutch snagged the last corn chip. He smiled. 

"Me and Thee, Starsk."

Starsky opened an Almond Joy. He gave half to Hutch.

.oOOo.

The dorm at the academy was teeming with visitors and fresh faced young police cadets. The two room mates were almost ready to join the graduation festivities.

Starsky adjusted his hat trying to tame his wayward curls. Hutchinson stepped out of the bathroom.

Their eyes locked. Neither looked away. Hutch went to Starsk, hat in hand.

"I know, Hutch."

Hutch bent down a little. Starsky surrendered his lips.

The kiss was sweet and powerful. They both felt like they were awakening from a deep sleep. Only to be plunged back into darkness as they parted.

Starsky placed Hutch's hat on his head.

"This is it, Blondie. We both made it. The road to a normal life starts today. We take that vow to serve and protect, we get a fresh start." Starsky placed a hand on Hutch's cheek. Hutch closed his eyes for a moment to savor the warmth.

"Starsk, it's going to be a hard road. I've had a taste of it with Vanessa. I shouldn't of married her and tried to have Elijah too. She needed me to love only her. Everyone deserves that. We won't be able to be together like this ever again." Hutch straightened Starsky's hat.

"I know, babe. I intend to be faithful to whatever woman will have me. I'm choosing to take charge of my feelings. I wish the world could be different. That we could be accepted into society. I'm not going to live a half-life filled with fear. This way, we get what we want out of life. And we have each other for support. We got the best of both worlds."

Starsky took a long look at Hutch. Seemingly memorizing how he looked at the moment. The moment before they stepped into a strange new world for both of them.

"Starsk, I love you."

"I love you too, Hutch."

They held each other. Trying to fit all they felt for each other into a single embrace.

"Are you certain, Starsk?"

Starsky held Hutch's glance and nodded.

"Then I'll always be there for you, Starsk. Always."

Starsky's lips pursed as he held back tears.

"Same here, buddy. Same here."

The two fresh faced cadets joined their graduating class ready to take on the world, together.

.oOOo. To Be Continued .oOOo.


	2. Just Let Them Burn Their Eyes On You Moving

Bay City, 1978

Hutch walked into a bar. He didn't even catch the name of the place. Old man's bar, corner bar. It didn't matter to Hutch. Nothing mattered much anymore. He'd just saved the lives of Starsky and his new partner Meredith. Then walked out the back door without anyone noticing. Especially Starsky. Starsky had made sure everyone knew who he cared about. It sure wasn't old Hutch. If anyone was watching Hutch's back, they could burn their eyes on him moving. No one was.

The neatly attired, gray haired, bartender was adjusting the FM station on his radio. He liked to play mellow music for his customers, when he had them. He felt it kept things calm. He eyed his new customer. Shaggy long blond hair, mustache, haggard, pale face, shuffling walk, arm in a sling, dirty, rumpled clothes, make that bloody, rumpled clothes. All of his bartender senses were on alert. Calm might be needed with this guy.

Hutch sat on a bentwood bar stool and let out a low moan.

The bartender saw Hutch's gun. He thought of his old service revolver that he kept under the register. He had't fired it in over thirty-five years. He smirked.

"I don't want any trouble in my place, son. I'll give you a shot of whisky and then you can be on your way."

Hutch looked up confused. He spotted his reflection in the nicotine stained mirror behind the bar. Peaking out from behind the half-empty bottles of booze was a face he didn't recognize. A face that was filled with pain and regret. A dangerous face.

Hutch pulled out his badge and ID. He attempted a smile, but could only grimace at the pain in his shoulder.

"Take it easy, buddy, I'm a cop. I just closed a case in this neighborhood and I need a drink. I was shot in the shoulder. Didn't have a chance to change clothes yet. I just want a couple of shots of Jack Daniels, then if you would call me a cab, I'd be grateful. I don't want any trouble either."

The bartender stared at the ID, and glanced at the man before him. The ID picture and the reality didn't match, but the mouth and eyes were the same. Only reality man's eyes were lacking the hope in the ID man's eyes. He'd seen that look before when he was in the Army. He was suddenly filled with sympathy for the lonely hero. He looked into Hutch's burnt out eyes and smiled.

"Bad day. Huh, Detective?"

Hutch snorted. "Bad day, week, month and year, buddy."

The bartender chuckled and got Hutch his drink.

"On the house, buddy." said the bartender.

Hutch saluted ."Thanks."

.oOOo.

Detective Joan Meredith's smile was lighting up the squad room. Starsky and Meredith had returned to Metro after being saved in the nick of time by the white knight, Hutch. Bookings and reports had taken up several hours of their time and they were now waiting for Dobey to give the okay for them to leave.

It wasn't Starsky who brought that thousand watt smile to Meredith's face.

It was her handsome partner, her other partner, who had stormed into the squad room when he heard she had been tied up and nearly shot.

Meredith took her partner's good hand in her own. The tall Detective looked eerily like Billy Dee Williams. One arm had a cast from wrist to elbow. The real reason Meredith was free to be Starsky's temporary partner.

"Starsky, this is my partner, Detective Second Grade William Marner. Billy." she beamed.

"Funny, she never mentioned you, Marner. It's good to meet you." Starsky extended his hand and smiled. Billy shook it.

Billy gave Meredith a questioning look. She raised her eye brows and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. Billy seized her hand, examining the rope burns. Meredith smiled at the concern in his eyes. She nodded once. Billy looked down and nodded back.

As Starsky watched the partners. He recognized the silent banter. Billy looked at Meredith just like Hutch looked at him. He wouldn't do Meredith the injustice of assuming they were lovers, but he saw the deep love in Billy's eyes. Just like the love in Hutch's eyes..

"Merry? Where's Detective Hutchinson? I'd like to meet him. Thank him for saving your life." Billy obviously didn't think much of Starsky.

Starsky shook his head. "He's back in the hospital. He was shot in the shoulder, six inches from his heart." Starsky found a lump had formed in his throat.

Meredith continued.

"He was shot by a kid who was involved in the case. He couldn't fire at the girl. Then he released himself from the hospital, figured out the whole scam was done through the telephone answering service, then swooped in and rescued Starsky and I."

Billy whistled.

"Man! You sure the guy's human? Sounds like a super hero!" Meredith chuckled.

Starsky looked up. "He's human, alright." he said softly.

Dobey came in and Meredith said her goodbyes.

Meredith went to Starsky and kissed him on the cheek. He could tell it was truly goodbye. He felt slightly, used.

"Thanks for everything, Starsky. It was a real pleasure working with you. Billy is having his cast removed tomorrow, You tell Hutch, I'll stop by and bring him some homemade muffins, Okay?"

Starsky gave her a hug. He yelled over to Billy waiting impatiently at the door.

"You take care of her. She's a damn good partner!"

"Don't I know it!" said Billy.

Dobey sighed as he watched them go. He knew no matter where she worked in the Department, it would be hard for Meredith. He wished her well.

"Starsky? Hutch get settled in alright? How long they gonna keep him this time?" Dobey surprised Starsky with the same questions he was going to ask.

"Cap? I was gonna ask you that!"

Dobey raised his voice. "Didn't you drive him to the hospital?"

"No! I thought you..." Starsky was on his feet.

"Damn it Starsky! What's with you two! Where the hell is he?"

Dobey stormed into his office and called the hospital. After a moment he hung up and bellowed at Starsky. 

"Hutch never showed up, And he never picked up his medications. The Doctor said he's in danger of infection and other complications. He needs care NOW! Find him, Detective!" Dobey returned to his office to call in an APB on Detective Hutchinson, missing officer.

Starsky took a shuddering breath. He felt dizzy and sick. He grabbed the phone and called Hutch's place. No answer. Then he tried Huggy's. No luck.

Starsky contemplated his next move, head in hand. His imagination had tuned in on worst case scenarios. Hutch dazed with a fever and wandering the streets of Bay City. Hutch unconscious slowly bleeding to death in a dirty alley. Hutch alone taking his last breath, alone, with a bullet wound six inches from his sweet, sweet, heart...

"Man, Hutch. Where are you? How can I NOT know? What's wrong with me? What's happening to us, Babe?"

.oOOo.

Hutch had finished his fourth shot of JD. The bartender was now Hutch's new best friend, Sam. They had spent a quiet evening in the quiet bar, discussing music, philosophy, poetry and Hutch's old best friend David Starsky. In particular how David Starsky had tossed Hutch out like three day old fish wrapped in yesterday's newspaper and found himself a new partner. Hutch insisted David Starsky wouldn't care if he were hurt and drinking himself stupid in a quiet bar. Sam played devil's advocate and disagreed.

Sam placed a cold beer and a bag of Bay City corn chips in front of Hutch. No more JD. Hutch didn't mind. He liked that the old man was taking care of him.

"You don't just throw away a working relationship like you and Starsky have. I think maybe you getting shot, made him scared. Maybe he feels he can't protect you anymore." Sam decided he liked the brave young cop. He made him remember the soldier he once was.

Hutch took a drink of beer, and replaced his glass on the bar with extra caution. He opened his chips. A few fell on the bar. It reminded him of Starsky in the dorm, years ago. He closed his eyes.

"No. No, Starsky knows we can protect each other on the streets. He knows sometimes things get beyond our control. I chose not to shoot the girl. That was my choice. I told Starsky that."

"You said his new partner is a beautiful lady cop? Wouldn't be the first time a guy was thinking with his Woolly Willie, you know."

"Yeah. But, I'm his partner! Me! Why wasn't he there for me? In the hospital I mean. I was scared, Sam. I was confused for a while. I...I ...thought I was... kidnapped, like this other time. I needed him. I called his name. The nurse didn't even know who he was..."

The phone rang and Sam excused himself.

"Probably the ball and chain asking when I'm coming home." he called over his shoulder.

Hutch smiled. Sam was good people. He tried to focus on the sweet voice of Joni Mitchell coming from the radio. Anything to keep from thinking of Starsky and how much he wanted him right now.

Just before our love got lost you said,  
"I am as constant as a northern star."  
And I said, "Constantly in the darkness,  
Where's that at?  
If you want me I'll be in the bar."

Hutch looked up at the radio. The music was speaking to his aching heart.

On the back of a cartoon coaster  
In the blue TV screen light  
I drew a map of Canada  
Oh, Canada  
With your face sketched on it twice.

Hutch picked up his cocktail napkin. It had a cartoon ace of spades on it and the words, "Spade's Corner Bar."

"Sam Spade, Starsky would love that." he said to the big eyed, drunk, ace of spades on the napkin.

Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine  
You taste so bitter and so sweet  
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling  
And I would still be on my feet  
Oh, I would still be on my feet.

"Drink a case of you, darling." Hutch picked up his beer and tipped it to the air before downing it.

"To you, Starsk, my darling." he wondered if he would be on his feet much longer.

Oh, I am a lonely painter  
I live in a box of paints.  
I'm frightened by the devil  
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid.

Hutch closed his eyes. "Starsk, I'm so afraid."

I remember that time you told me  
You said, "Love is touching souls."  
Surely you touched mine.  
'Cause part of you pours out of me  
In these lines from time to time.

"Oh, God. Starsk. I love you so much. What the hell am I going to do?" Hutch dragged his good hand across his face, the music squeezing his heart and bringing tears to his eyes.

Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine  
You taste so bitter and so sweet.  
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling  
And still I'd be on my feet  
I would still be on my feet

Hutch felt his face burn as he tried to hold back his emotions. The pain in his shoulder was fighting with the deep pain in his soul to see which would be the victor and claim Hutch as their prize.

I met a woman  
She had a mouth like yours  
She knew your life  
She knew your devils and your deeds.  
And she said, "Go to him, stay with him if you can  
but be prepared to bleed."

Hutch thought of Meredith. He had only seen her for a few moments. She was young and beautiful, poised and brave.

"Will she bleed for you, Starsk? Bleed to death for you? Like I do everyday?" he whispered, he listened intently for the next verse. Craving the torture of the music and lyrics that at least let him feel something besides pain.

Oh, but you are in my blood  
You're my holy wine  
You're so bitter  
bitter and so sweet.  
Oh, I could drink a case of you darling  
still I'd be on my feet  
I would still be on my feet.

"In my blood." Hutch nodded to himself.

Sam hung up with his wife and focused concerned eyes on Hutch. He shook his head. He knew the beginnings of a crying jag when he saw one.

"You know, Hutch. You're a good man. A good cop. You must be a good friend. Give Starsky a break. You need to talk to him. I bet he's worried sick about you. Why don't I call him to come get you?"

Hutch tried to control his breathing. At least the few stray tears that fell, had been hidden by his quick wipe of his eyes.

"Nnn..No, Sam. No. He's probably with his new partner. No way I'm going to call him while she's next to him in bed. You... you can call a c... cab for me. I'll get outta your hair. I... I ... I'm gonna use the john."

Hutch struggled to his feet. He took a moment to orientate himself, then cautiously headed for the bathroom.

Sam watched Hutch's painful progress and made a decision. A buddy, is a buddy. He learned that in the war. He picked up the phone and called a cop friend of his at the local precinct. He'd find David Starsky and drag his ass here to do his duty by his partner.

Hutch struggled in the bathroom. It was hard to work his zipper with one hand. Harder still to zip it back up. He felt hot and dizzy. His body ached and his shoulder throbbed. His eyes were blurry from unshed tears. He closed them, not wanting to see his reflection in the mirror. He staggered out of the bathroom and tried to focus on where Sam was standing. He tried to make it across the room. His feet felt like lead and the bar began to tilt to the right. He screamed in pain when he forgot and tried to stop his fall with his bad arm. He felt his head hit something hard on the long way down to the bar room floor.

.oOOo.

Starsky had received the call from Sam's friend and tore the roads up trying to get to Hutch. When he arrived, he saw Hutch unconscious on the floor of the dark bar. 

"What the hell happened?" he shouted at Sam. 

Hutch's shoulder had started bleeding again and he had a bump the size of a ping pong ball on his forehead. Sam had packed the shoulder with clean bar towels and was holding a cloth full of ice to Hutch's head.

"You Starsky?" Sam said darkly.

Starsky nodded.

"About time you got here. Take this," he handed Starsky the icy cloth. "I'm going to call an ambulance. He was okay till he fell coming back from the john. Poor bastard..."

"No...no, I'll call. They'll come quick to an officer down..."

Sam snorted.

"Brother? You've got that right. I've never seen anyone as down as your partner. You remember you had one finally?"

Starsky stared at the older man gently caring for his best friend. He felt a pain in his heart as he ran to the Torino to call in a ten-double zero, officer down.

Sam looked up as Starsky entered.

"I think he's coming around." said Sam.

Starsky knelt next to Hutch and Sam moved out of the way. Starsky gently lifted Hutch's head into his lap. One arm held Hutch safely in place while the other gently stroked his cheek. Starsky noticed the heat coming from his flushed skin. He spoke softly. 

"Hutch? It's Starsky. Open those baby blues for me, huh?"

"Wha'?" Hutch opened his eyes and tried see through the fog wrapped around his head.

"Whhh... at... where... Ooooo. So hot? I fell. I think?"

"Aw, Hutch. It's okay. I'm here. Not gonna leave ya." Starsky smiled and continued stroking Hutch's cheek.

Hutch started to move his head away. Highly agitated he called out.

"No. Starsky doesn't care. Starsky doesn't care. He left me alone. They came. They came into my room. Starsky wasn't there. Needles. No! No! Starsky's got a new partner. Doesn't care. Doesn't care."

Starsky was stunned.

Sam was right there trying to get Hutch to quiet down.

"Hush, now. Hush, Son. Old Sam's got your back. You're safe. Look at me. You're safe."

Hutch focused on Sam.

"Sam? I'm safe? Starsky's gone. You'll keep me safe?" The anguish in Hutch's tone cut Starsky like a knife. He looked at Sam.

"Hush, Son. No one can harm you. I'm on guard duty." Hutch finally comforted, closed his eyes.

Sam turned to Starsky.

"That's a nasty knock to the head. And I think he's got a fever. Too bad. Good guy like him and nobody to look after him. He doesn't even know what he's saying..."

Starsky hugged Hutch and started to rock him gently.

"Oh, yeah, he does. He feels like I've abandoned him. And he's right. I shoulda took care of him. I shoulda been there for him. I shoulda refused the assignment or at least spent my nights with him instead of screwin' my temporary partner. I shoulda noticed he was sick and needed me, I shoulda noticed he was missing!"

"Starsky? Stop shoulding on yourself." said Sam. "Tell him what you just told me. He's hurting and scared. He needs a little reassurance from his buddy."

"You really got to know him, huh?" said Starsky.

"What? Mr. Wear my heart on my sleeve lonely hero, here? Had him pegged before he finished his first shot. I'm gonna go flag down the Calvary." Sam headed for the door.

Starsky smiled at Sam's back and looked down at Hutch. Hutch had opened his eyes, and was staring at Starsky with a look that melted his already aching heart.

"S... Starsk? Starsk? You're here? Not a dream? Take me home? Please?" Hutch closed his eyes, leaned into Starsky's jacket as his hand reached up to grasp the familiar material.

Starsky smoothed his partner's hair.

"I will, Hutch. We gotta get ya checked out at the ER. Then I'll take ya home, and take good care of ya. I promise. I'm so sorry, babe."

Hutch looked up and Starsky placed a kiss on his hot brow.

"Starsk, please, don't leave me. I'll do better. Tell me what you need me to do. Please, please. Don't leave me for her. I couldn't ...no other partner. Starsssk!"

"Heeeeey! Now hush with all that! What are ya talkin' about? I got the best partner a man could have! I ain't ever leaving you. Why don't you know that, huh? Me and Thee, babe." Starsky watched as Hutch tried to understand his words and failed.

Two paramedics and two uniformed cops crashed through the door as sirens and lights filled the quiet bar.

.oOOo.

Hutch's surgeon made his way to the waiting room. Dobey was sitting, leaning forward trying to drink the remains of a bitter coffee. Starsky was pacing, head down, deep in thought.

The surgeon was tired. Bone tired. Tired of piecing together people's lives after stabbings, gunshot wounds and street violence. He was tired, and he was angry. Detective Hutchinson's life should not have been in his hands again so soon. And someone was going to hear about it.

"Captain Dobey, Detective Starsky?"

"Yes, Doctor." said Dobey.

"How is he?" said Starsky.

The surgeon's anger deflated as he saw the concern in Starsky's eyes. He put a hand on Starsky's shoulder, but looked at Dobey.

"I had to redo the sutures for the gunshot wound and take care of some new tears. He also has a mild concussion. What concerns me most, is the fever and uncontrolled infection he has developed. And of course the negligence of his co-workers and superiors." The surgeon waited for the reaction.

"What the Hell are you talking about, Doc? Is he gonna be okay?" Starsky started to panic.

"Negligence?" repeated Dobey with a slight cough.

"My patient, Kenneth Hutchinson, was recovering well, till he was allowed to return to work without my permission, without his prescribed medications and obviously without any one giving a damn about his condition or his welfare!"

"Doctor, I... " Dobey fumbled.

Starsky looked at the white tiles on the wall. His jaw clenched and his fists tight. He knew the Doctor, even the old bartender had taken better care of Hutch than he had.

The Doctor looked at Starsky and sighed.

"He should be fine as soon as the antibiotics kick in. Right now his fever is high. He's going to have a rough night, but I have him on a non-narcotic pain reliever which should also reduce the fever."

"Doc. Can I stay with him tonight? He...He was real confused earlier. I think I could ease his mind a bit if I talked to him." 

"I think that would be the best medicine, Detective. I'll inform the nurses desk. I'll have some one get you when he's in his room. Shouldn't be long."

"Thank you, Doctor." said Dobey quietly.

When the Doctor left Dobey turned to Starsky. Dobey's emotions were barely in control.

"I'm going home. Call me when Hutch wakes up, no matter what time it is. Let me know how he's doing." said Dobey.

"Sure, Cap." Starsky didn't know what else to say.

"Starsky. Tell him I'm sorry. Then you Damn well better fix whatever the problem is between you two, or I WILL consider splitting you up."

Starsky felt a chill go up his spine at the words.

"Yes, Captain." was all he was capable of saying.

.oOOo.

An ugly avocado green Naugahyde recliner chair was pushed as close to Hutch's hospital bed as possible. The dark headed figure was talking softly to his sleeping friend. As Starsky spoke, he caressed Hutch's arm, then moved to his face. He brushed stray wisps of blonde hair back into place. Then started over again, absently stroking Hutch's arm.

"Babe? What am I gonna do with ya? Walkin' out of the hospital with no medications. Then solvin' the case in like two seconds. Then gettin' on your charger and doin' your white knight thing for me. Again!"

Starsky placed a hand on Hutch's forehead. Hutch was hot to the touch. Too hot still. Hutch spoke every now and then. Words escaped his fevered mind. Words full of fear and betrayal. Starsky kept talking hoping his words would sooth.

"Stars... please... don't..." Hutch never opened his eyes.

"Hutch, I ain't gonna leave ya! Not now not eva! Ya gotta get betta cause we gotta talk about this. I gotta apologize. I acted like an ass, teasin' ya about Meredith. I shoulda known ya were hurtin' and needed some... lovin'... yeah... just needed some lovin' right Blondie? "

"Meredith... no... I am...me..."

"Hutch, darlin'. You're my partner. No one else. I'm sorry you doubted us. Me and Thee. Awww, Hutch come on. Open your eyes and see me!" Starsky, frustrated stood up and started to pace.

"I could drink a case of you, darling." Hutch opened his eyes searching.

Starsky was at Hutch's side in a moment, stroking his sweaty hair back from his face and smiling into Hutch's eyes.

"Hey, darlin', you're not as hot. You know me?"

"My partner?" asked Hutch.

Starsky chuckled and kissed Hutch gently on his chapped lips.

"Yeah, your partner. Now what's my name?"

"Gordo." said Hutch with a hint of a smile.

Starsky chuckled again.

"Close enough, Blintz. You remember what happened?" Starsky's smile faded into a look of concern.

Hutch took a deep breath. His head ached, and his throat was dry. But his shoulder pain was manageable. He closed his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts.

Starsky brought a straw to Hutch's mouth.

"Here, babe. Drink. Then answer as best ya can. Tell me what ya remember."

Hutch sipped, then licked his lips. He closed his eyes again.

"Shot. Hospital. Saved your sorry ass. Walked into a bar. Got drunk, somewhat. Ummmm..." He opened his eyes and looked at Starsky.

"Fell?" Hutch asked. Starsky nodded.

"That's it. Nothing else." said Hutch.

"Ya did good, babe! Ya hit your noggin' and pulled your sutures when ya fell at Sam's place, I was a little worried ya did some damage..."

"Sam...Sam Spade... Yeah! I spent the afternoon with Sam and Joni... " Hutch smiled at Starsky and Starsky's heart did a flip.

"Joni?" asked Starsky.

"Mitchel, the singer. On the radio, not in person, Starsk." Hutch chuckled. Good drugs, he thought. Then he thought again. 

Hutch touched his lips and then his heart.

"D... did you call me darling? Kiss me...on...on the lips?" All the blood drained from Hutch's face. A hot suffocating rage started to turn in his belly.

Starsky flashed a brilliant smile, his eyes glowing with love. Hutch was okay. Starsky went to give his Hutch a hug. 

"I sure did, darlin'!"

Hutch pushed Starsky away. Hutch had never felt so angry before.

"Get the fuck away from me Starsky! How dare you kiss me.. like... like... nothing happened... like... you didn't tear my heart out and stamp on it!"

"Hutch? Hutch! Calm down! I know I pissed you off..."

"Pissed me off? You're aware of it, buddy? Then you know why?" Hutch's glassy pain filled eyes glared at his partner.

"Hutch. Please." Starsky raised his hands as if in surrender.

"TELL ME WHY!" Hutch screamed.

"Hutch... I... I..."

Starsky couldn't put a sentence together under the scrutiny of that heated gaze.

Hutch continued in a deadly whisper.

"I'll tell you then, buddy. I love you! I've always loved you. I went along with this charade because I love you. I wanted you to have all the good things in life. I could live seeing you with a woman because I knew it was our plan. Our plan to live normal lives. I took solace in the fact that I was your partner in everything else. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part. We didn't need the words. We lived the words! Starsky how could you break the trust? How could you call that woman your partner in front of me? How could you sleep with her when I was in this hospital calling your name because the drugs made me think Forrest had me..."

Hutch slumped against his pillows, his energy spent. He was breathing like he'd run a marathon. His eyes filled with tears.

"How could you kiss my lips when I've denied myself that bittersweet wine all these years for your sake."

Starsky's heart was beating like crazy. He searched his panicked mind for something to say. Something to pull them both back from the brink.

"Hutch, I'm sorry." was all he could come up with.

Hutch closed his eyes.

"Get out," he said quietly.

"Hutch I do love you, you know that but..."

"Get. Out... Get. Out..."

Hutch opened his eyes tears falling freely.

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! He screamed through the sobs.

The door to Hutch's room opened and Hutch's doctor stormed in, flanked by two outraged nurses.

The surgeon took in the situation and moved to the bed to quiet Hutch.

"Ken, calm down. I'm going to give you a sedative. You must not move around like this!"

Starsky stood staring at his hysterical friend. He couldn't move.

The Doctor motioned to the nurses. One ran to get a sedative the other took Starsky's arm.

"Sir, you're aggravating the patient's condition. You must leave."

Starsky looked at her and nodded. He walked numbly out the door. The sounds of Hutch's sobs now turned to mournful moans echoed in his mind.

.oOOo.

Starsky found a couch in an unused waiting room. He was going over and over again in his head the events of the last few days. He just couldn't figure out exactly how he had hurt Hutch so badly. He loved Hutch. He was desperate to be with him after he was shot. He was scared to death he wasn't going to pull through. Meredith had distracted him from his pain, but pain it was. It never let him go. He wished he had Hutch to talk it out with. He snorted. Then he remembered the sweet old lady who sat with him till he got the word Hutch was okay. Mrs. Greene. He could talk to her. He had her room number already. He thought Hutch and him would visit her. Bring her some nice flowers. Thinking of her pleasant face put the bounce back in his step.

Starsky slowly opened Mrs. Greene's door. The room was somewhat dark, except for the reading light above the bed. Mrs Greene looked up from her book. Starsky smiled at her.

"Hey there, beautiful! Want a little company?"

"Hello, handsome! Oh, you couldn't wait to get me alone I see." she smiled warmly.

"How ya feelin', dear?" asked Starsky,

"Oh, good tonight. They give me the chemicals for the cancer last Tuesday. Now they see if they worked. Modern science."

"I'm glad you're feeling good. What ya got there?" Starsky picked up her book and sat at the edge of her bed.

"Barbara Cartland, Love Finds The Way. Oh, ya lika those romances, beautiful?" Starsky winked.

"You behave, handsome. I'm supposed to be resting. All I do is the resting. Resting for what? I should maybe run a marathon at my age?"

"I just wanted to see ya..."

"What's wrong, dearheart. Is your friend not so good tonight? Why aren't you with him?"

"He threw me out. He's mad at me. I never seen him so mad. They had to knock him out. He was hurting himself he was so angry. I hurt him real bad. I never meant.."

Mrs. Greene took Starsky's hand and held it in hers.

"You love your friend?"

Starsky smiled a little and nodded.

"He loves you?"

Starsky nodded again.

Mrs. Greene patted the book.

"Love Finds The Way... good advice, Yes?"

Starsky looked up, his eyes filling with tears.

"Awww, my poor boy. Your friend was shot. Violence. Hurts the soul. Rips the soul apart. He needs you to be strong for him. Let him be mad. Let him throw you out. You are strong now. He is weak, frightened. Men do not do well when sick. Like little babies all of them. You must baby him. He needs the most when he pushes away."

Starsky smiled and kissed her hand.

"Beautiful, you are right. He's just a big baby. And no one is taking care of him. He's got a fever and a lot of pain. I should go back..."

"No. Let him sleep. You come get me, early. I talk to him first. Then you come in when I call you. What is his name?"

"Hutch, I mean Ken Hutchinson."

"Hutch. I like that. And you he calls David?"

"Starsky, He calls me Starsk, among other things."

"You love each other very much. I tell by the names. Special sweetheart names. You see, tomorrow morning. Love will find the way."

.oOOo.

Hutch called out a low, "Starsk." then opened his eyes and turned his head slowly towards the figure next to him. He blinked his eyes several times till the fuzzy image formed into, not Starsky, but an elderly woman in a wheelchair dressed in a bright red house coat.

"Good Morning, Hutch, I am a friend of your Starsk. He did not want you to wake up all alone."

She slowly got to her feet and reached for the glass of ice water she had prepared for Hutch. She padded in her slippers the few steps to Hutch's side and offered the water. Hutch accepted.

"Throat is so sore after the drugs. I know, dearheart. Such a good boy, so brave. And so tall! I get you extra pillows. You so tall you will hit your head on the light if you sit up. Don't worry. I know where those nurses hide them."

Hutch's mouth opened but nothing came out. His wide eyes tried to focus on the lovely old woman in her house slippers rummaging in the closet for pillows. She returned with her prize and gently lifted Hutch's head. She fluffed the pillows just so. Hutch relaxed into them with a sigh. The ache in his neck and head subsided at the gentle attention.

"Poor, poor baby." Mrs. Greene patted Hutch's cheeks. "You have such blue in your eyes. Angel eyes. God had bits of sky and sun left over when he made the earth and decided to put them in your eyes for safe keeping."

Hutch couldn't help but smile. This woman seemed like an angel sent to earth herself.

"You're Starsky's friend? He never mentioned..."

Mrs. Greens lowered herself gingerly back into her wheelchair. She moved it closer to Hutch and took his hand. 

"We just met. I swept him off his feet. I have ruined that handsome devil for other women. After me no one could compare!"

Hutch laughed. He was charmed by Starsky's friend. At the thought of Starsky, he stopped laughing. And looked away.

"Tch...tch... Angel eyes. You tell me why you make your Starsk cry. And why he made his Hutch cry." 

Hutch needed to talk to someone. He wished it could be Starsky, but he'd ruined that. Something about this lady comforted him. 

"Starsk and I are partners. We're very close. He's my whole world. I got shot, and he sort of disappeared on me... he wasn't there. Then he got a new partner. He forgot all about me."

"Angel eyes. I sat with your Starsk after you were shot. He felt his whole world shatter. He was so scared. God told me to help him. God told me to tell him you would be alright. You should have seen his smile when he knew it was true. It glowed with love for you."

"God told you? You sound like Starsk with his ESP."

"When you are as old as I am, you are much closer to heaven's gate. You start to hear God's voice all around you. It's a benefit of old age I think." she chuckled and Hutch's icy heart started to thaw.

"And what does he say about me and Starsk, now?"

"That's easy. 'Above all love each other deeply for love covers over a multitude of sins.' Peter, I think said that."

Hutch closed his eyes and let that sink in. How many times had Starsky forgiven him?

"And that he will watch over the two of you when you are apart. You know the old prayer? Me and thee?"

She pulled a faded chain out from around her neck. It held half a heart charm. with half a prayer on it.

"My Husband was buried with the other half. It says, 'The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another.' I think soon my heart will be reunited with its other half." She smiled up at Hutch.

Hutch looked at Mrs. Greene. His heart convicted and healed by her words. He knew Mrs. Greene would not be on this earth for much longer. He felt humbled that someone or something cared enough about him to send him this gift. Starsky. Maybe he did have a spiritual connection after all. Maybe that's all Hutch needed.

"You want maybe I call your Starsk in now? He's waiting outside. Since early this morning. He needs his Hutch. You boys make up now?"

Hutch nodded, not trusting his voice.

Mrs. Greene maneuvered her wheel chair out the door. She turned briefly and blew Hutch a kiss. Then shook her head and chuckled as she left.

.oOOo.

Starsky opened Hutch's door just enough to allow his curly head access.

Hutch caught the movement, and smiled at the disembodied head with sad wide eyes looking his way.

"Hutch?" Starsky said timidly.

Hutch reached out with his good arm. He swallowed.

"Come 'ere, babe."

Starsky pushed open the door and was in Hutch's embrace in two seconds. They both mumbled apologies, self-recriminations, words of forgiveness and love. They let their tears flow onto each other's shoulders. Then as those bitter tears dried, they smiled and talked.

"Hutch, baby, I hate seein' you in pain." Starsky stroked the creases out of Hutch's brow. He was cool to the touch now and Starsky smiled. "You want me to get you anythin'? I can call the nurse?"

"Not yet, Starsk. I want to tell you something. I...I think I want to plan on leaving the streets. Not right away, maybe in 1980? New century, new job? I won't go without you." he added hastily before Starsky could react.

"I think you're right, Hutch. We've been pushin' our luck as it is. Maybe we could do somethin' else in the department?"

Hutch sighed with relief. Starsky was going for it.

"Would you like to be a Lieu, Starsk? We could take the test..."

"No college... can't qualify."

"With your record you could grandfather in. I checked." said Hutch excitedly.

"Huh?" said Starsky.

"Grandfather clause, means they accept life experience as college credits. Experience on the streets, equals a college degree. You're smart as a whip, my boy. The Captain said he's sure they'd qualify you."

"Figured it all out, Blondie? Why didn't you tell me before this?"

Hutch lowered his eyes.

"I thought maybe we'd be together by then. It seemed so far away. A new century. I thought we would be lovers. I...I was waiting... for my fantasy to become real. Stupid, I know."

Starsky took Hutch's face in his hands and gently lifted it. He looked into those eyes and saw his own soul.

"Baby, when you were shot. It reminded me so much of my lover, Spence, I was back in Nam for a while. Thank God, Mrs. Greene was in that waiting room or I might have lost it. He was shot in the heart and died in my arms. Nothin' heroic. No battle goin' on. Just a fuckin' sniper. I got the sniper. A local kid, just tryin' to be a man. Never made it."

Hutch kept silent, but reached out to stroke Starsky's curls.

Starsky tried to smile at Hutch's worried look.

"I'm so sorry I can't be your lover, Hutch. I love you so much. You know that, right?" He shook Hutch's head a little. Hutch nodded.

"I found it out for sure when you were shot. If I had lost you... If ...I ..."

"Starsk, darling. It's okay, now. I understand. I was being childish, selfish..."

"Baby, you're never selfish. You give me all you got and still manage to take the weight of the world on your shoulders too. I wish..."

"I wish it, too, Starsk. It's going to be hard for me to give up my fantasy. Be patient with me?"

Starsky snorted. In response he placed a gentle kiss on the top of Hutch's head, then held him close.

"Maybe, Hutch. Maybe in 1980 you could start dating again. Things are getting better for Gays. Someday people like you and me might be able to walk around holding hands with heads held high, ya know? Maybe get married?"

Hutch closed his eyes. He was suddenly too tired to talk. The ache in his shoulder was back, but his heart felt a little lighter He would honor his friend's feelings. He wished he had a time machine. He'd marry Starsky so fast his head would spin. But he finally understood Starsky's reason for rejecting him. It wasn't society. It was fear. He loved Starsky enough to let him go.

"Sorry, Starsk. I'm fading. I think I need that pain pill now."

Starsky immediately reached for the call button.

"Sure, Blintz. We'll talk more later. When I get you home I'm gonna spoil ya rotten. You're gonna get sick of me bein' around."

"Never, darling. Drink a case of you... never..." 

Hutch drifted off and Starsky went back to stroking Hutch's arm and smoothing his blonde hair.

 

.oOOo. To Be Continued .oOOo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to show the progression of Starsky & Hutch's relationship in the fourth season and Black & Blue is an episode I Love/Hate. I Love the story and poor hurt Hutch. I love Meredith's character as a strong woman. I Hate how everybody treated Hutch after he was shot. I Love/Hate that Hutch had to save the day when he should of been resting like the babycake he is.
> 
> Well, in my version of Black & Blue, I took care of all those who didn't take care of Hutch. Including the flippin' unknown orderly who pushed Hutch's bed too near the light fixtures so he hit his head TWICE and didn't give him fluffy pillows. Where were the FLUFFY PILLOWS PEOPLE! THIS IS AN OFFICER DOWN! A FREAKIN' MORAL HERO! Well, I got even. Everybody got yelled at and Mrs. Greene gave Hutch the fluffy pillows he deserved. I feel much better now.
> 
> A note on Meredith's character. There were not many mixed racial couples on TV in the '70's. Like how about none. Paul deserves Kudos for agreeing to do this episode. It takes the sting out of a hurt Hutch to know they must have been really proud of this episode. Did you notice that Starsky and Meredith never kiss and hardly ever touch? I don't think they ever touched sexually. Starsky touches Hutch more on regular day at work. The big sex scene was a close up of Meredith's smile. I love Meredith, I love her line about being a Black Woman and being a quota's dream. Kinda sums up the episode. at first I thought S & M kissed at the end. But they don't, I believe they would of been the second or third interracial kiss in TV land. The first being Star Trek's Kirk and Uhura. It gives the last scene more meaning. I would have liked to see that too, Captain Dobey and Hutch would not have suffered for nothing! I wonder if the whole last scene was in reaction to NOT being able to kiss on TV. 
> 
> In respect for Meredith's wonderful performance and possibly the first interracial Kinda Insinuated Love Scene, I award Detective Second Grade Joan Meredith, Billy Dee Williams. Enjoy.
> 
> Got to go fluff Hutch's pillow, Pull his bed away from the wall. Get him some Ginger Ale and homemade chicken soup, and some nice brownies and feed it all to him. Poor Baby only gots one good paw. Maybe give him a nice massage too. Sweet Angel Eyes! I'm coming!


	3. Don't Let It Change A Thing That You're Doing

Bay City, Chief of Police Office, Late December, 1979.

Starsky sat at the short end of a long conference table in Police Chief Ryan's office. At his right hand sat Hutch, at his left hand Captain Dobey. The other seats were filled by the official people who would help determine if Starsky were still a cop. The informal preliminary hearing for Starsky's reinstatement would commence when Chief Ryan arrived. There was mostly silence in the room. Starsky sat silently, dressed in a black suit and a brand new white shirt. Hutch had given him the tie for Christmas. It was red with one diagonal white stripe. Starsky's hands were folded on the table. He looked confident. He looked calm. He looked healthy.

Hutch was all in blue, his suit and shirt old but classy. His nervous fingers played with the tie Starsky had given him for Christmas. It was the same color as his eyes. Hutch glanced yet again at his partner. He looked good. Only a hint of darkness in his eyes, that only Hutch could see, gave away the struggle and pain he had endured after Gunther's hit.

Hutch had been as constant as the north star. When Starsky was ready they moved into Starsky's investment house, which had been renovated and then finished off, beautifully, by Starsky's brothers and sisters on the force and the fire department. Hutch took leave and dipped into a trust fund to make sure Starsky never wanted for anything. Hard work, heartache and the power of love had finally brought them to this day and this office. It was a bittersweet day for Hutch. He was overjoyed that Starsky had recovered. He was saddened that the closeness they had shared was coming to an end. It was time to let Starsky go, yet again.

The door to the conference room opened and Chief Ryan entered flanked by two uniformed officers. The officer's youthful faces stood in contrast to Ryan's graying hair and careworn demeanor. Ryan looked like a man who had fought a war and lost. All rose and some saluted as Chief Ryan took his seat directly across from Starsky. The young officers stood discretely behind the Chief's chair. Ryan glanced at Starsky without a smile. 

Enthusiastic testimony was given by all concerned. Starsky was toted as brave, courageous, steadfast, a credit to the department and a medical miracle. Dobey's report glowed with pride.

And Hutch's simple, "Yes, I want Detective Starsky to return as my partner. I would trust him with my life." Left the participants coughing and reaching for coffee to hide their emotions.

Through the whole hearing, Starsky had looked at Chief Ryan. Starsky never made a sound. He sat leaning slightly forward in his chair, hands folded on the glossy table before him, fingers entwined.

Cheif Ryan finally spoke.

"I want to thank you all for your thorough reports. I just have a few questions before I make my recommendation."

Hutch fidgeted and reached for his empty coffee cup so that his hand would not reach for Starsky.

Starsky remained calm and still. His emotional state unreadable.

The Chief cleared his throat.

"Detective Starsky are you involved in a homosexual relationship with Detective Hutchinson?"

The quiet room was filled with movement and sound. Gasps, coughs and mumbles from the surprised participants. Chairs being pushed back as Hutch and Dobey jumped to their feet. Hutch's outraged cries and curses. The sound of Dobey restraining Hutch and the sound of the two young officers moving in to do the same.

Then the sound of a calm firm voice. Starsky's voice.

"Hutch!"

One word and order returned to the room.

Hutch sank into his chair and covered his eyes with his hands.

Dobey patted Hutch's heaving back and returned to his seat.

The officer's looked at the Chief, who nodded. They returned to their previous positions.

"I have never had a homosexual relationship with Detective Hutchinson." Starsky stated.

Ryan bristled. 

"Detective Starsky are you a homosexual?"

Starsky did not react he simply said. "Yes."

Ryan leaned forward.

"Have you had a homosexual relationship with any other police officer?"

"No. Sir." Starsky raised one eyebrow at the word Sir.

Starsky's Doctor, the only civilian in the room, had never witnessed anything so cruel as the questioning of the merits of his brave patient. He found his voice.

"Chief Ryan. I don't see the reason for these personal questions. The man is obviously a fine police officer..."

"Doctor, I will ask your opinion about what makes a fine officer when the medical profession finds a way to convert gays to heterosexuals, and not before."

This time Starsky moved quickly and grabbed Hutch's arm. The angry, outraged words died on Hutch's lips. Starsky conveyed a whole conversation with one look into Hutch's eyes. Hutch forced himself to relax. Starsky needed him to remain cool.

Chief Ryan made a neat pile of the reports in front of him. He stood.

"At this time I can not allow the reinstatement of Detective Starsky. That is all. Dismissed." 

He left the detailed positive reports behind on the table.

He left the room quickly without meeting anyone's eyes. The young officers followed, but not before giving each other significant looks. Their distaste of this particular job evident. 

As the door closed behind them, the room erupted with outraged cries.

Hutch had the opposite reaction and leaned unsteadily forward, spreading his large hands across the table, then silently burying his head in his elbow. His breaths came in uneven gasps as he struggled for control.

Starsky rose and stood next to Hutch's chair. He placed one hand on his blond head and raised the other for silence.

"I want to thank all of you for your kindness and support. I am not givin' up and I hope I can count on all of you in the future. It's gonna be a rough trip, but I am comin' back. Thanks everyone. I'll talk to you soon. If you could all leave now, I need a moment alone with my partner."

Dobey was the last to leave, giving Starsky an unexpected hug and promises of his and Edith's support.

Finally, alone. Starsky turned worried eyes on his partner.

"Hutch? They're all gone. Talk to me, babe."

Starsky rubbed at Hutch's neck, trying to sooth the tension there.

Hutch slowly raised his head and looked at Starsky. The despair in Hutch's eyes took Starsky's breath away.

"Babe, babe! It's okay! I got a plan! I mean I got the start of a plan. I was hoping I wouldn't need it..."

"Starsk? How can you be so calm! Ryan just ended your career. Both our careers, because if you think I'd work for that Bastard after this..."

"Hutch! Try to calm down and listen, huh?"

Starsky sat down next to Hutch and pulled him in for an awkward hug. Starsky pulled back a bit and rubbed Hutch's arms.

"Jeez, Hutch! You're so cold! You goin' into shock on me?"

"Starsk... I just... it's so... so unfair... I...I..."

"It's gonna be okay, babe. I already made some phone calls. Ya see New York cops got this new organization called GOAL. Gay Officers Action League. I talked to them about my case. They're gonna back me and they gave me the name of a local guy willing to be my lawyer. I'm gonna ask for a formal hearing, Hutch. Like a disciplinary hearing only I'm gonna be the one instigating it. Got the union rep on my side and I'll have a fancy shmancy gay lawyer. The best part is that you are free and clear. That's why I needed you to be cool. It kinda went as I planned. You are not on suspension and the year's personal leave Dobey already got for you, means that they can't call you on the carpet till May."

Hutch sat up. Starsky had his full attention. 

"You seem to have left me out completely! Were you going to send me a postcard from Tahiti when you won the case?"

Starsky sighed.

"Don't get mad, Blintz. I didn't leave you out for a second. It's all about you. You're burnt out, Hutch."

Starsky took Hutch's hands in his.

"You're burnt out and now that I'm betta, I'm all about gettin' you betta."

"Starsk, you don't..."

"Just listen. I'm goin' to show Bay City what a prejudiced, cold hearted, fucker Ryan is. I'm gonna ask for reinstatement as a Lieutenant. I want you to take the test before you get off leave. I don't want you back on the streets, Hutch. I don't want either of us back on the street. All I want you to do for the next couple a months is come with me to court and anywhere I need to go as my Big Blond Bodyguard."

"Starsk, I'll support you in anything..."

"You think ya gotta say that, Blondie? You've been my strength, my hope and my life since May. You mean everything to me. You're like this blond Viking God who throws lightning bolts at anything that gets in my way and thunders at anyone who tries to harm me. But it's your turn, buddy. I want 1980 to be your year. I remember you said you wanted to try dating guys. You want someone special in your life. If you want to come out of the closet after my case, you can. If you don't you don't have too. I'm gonna make it safe for you to show the world the beautiful, loving person you are. I'm gonna make it so you can hold your head high."

A look of wonder came over Hutch's face.

"Starsk! You knew! You knew this would happen!"

"Well, I didn't know for sure. I really didn't think Ryan would be such a dickhead. But I got a heads up from those two rookies assigned to Ryan. Seems one of them gots this gay brother and didn't like Ryan's attitude. Nice kids."

"You planned this all! You planned this for me!"

Hutch squeezed Starsky's hands, still held in his.

"I love ya, ya big blond blintz. I want ya to be happy. I want ya safe. You gave me everything you had in you to make me healthy again. You fuckin' had to watch me die then you turned it around and gave me your life and love to hang on to..."

Hutch closed his eyes.

"Starsk... don't..."

"Don't what? Show you how grateful I am? Tell you how much I care about you?"

Hutch felt his heart lighten. Starsky was coming out to the world for him. He knew Starsky would never be his lover and some day would find a woman to love him like he deserved to be loved. He no longer had any false hope. But at least he'd have his beloved for a few more months and if Starsky won his case, he'd work beside him as a Lieutenant. Starsky was alive and loved him. It was enough.

"I... I love you, Starsk."

Hutch pulled Starsky back into his embrace.

"Boy, do I know that, Blintz. Ain't no doubt!"

Starsky helped his shaky Partner get up, giving his arm an encouraging squeeze before they left the conference room and faced their world together like they always did.

Starsky had held back one small bit of information from Hutch. He felt Hutch was too unstable to handle this one particular bit of information right now. Starsky had died. And with renewal of life came a blinding clarity. Starsky was going to be that special someone Hutch wanted to start to search for in 1980. But first came the healing.

.oOOo.

Bay City, February 14, 1980.

"Stop fidgeting, Hutch. You're like a big old golden retriever ready for walkies."

"I can't help it. I don't like it. There are too many unpleasant memories... and you're tickling me."

Hutch squirmed under Starsky's touch.

"You've got to wear the vest, Hutch. Neely said it made a statement of vulnerability."

Starsky finally finished with the bullet proof vest and handed Hutch his shirt, half tempted to help him put that on too, Hutch was so nervous. Grant Neely, Starsky's lawyer, was meeting them at the courthouse. Starsky's hearing was going to be a media circus. Much to the delight of lawyer Neely. Lots of publicity helped the case and protected his client, so did the vests they were wearing at Neely's insistence.

"Starsk... I don't think I can do this. How am I going to protect you on those courthouse steps. Why can't we sneak in...why..."

Starsky grabbed Hutch's arms. Hutch was on the verge of yet another panic attack.

The panic attacks had started right after Starsky's run in with Chief Ryan. They seemed to be triggered by the possibility real or imaginary of Starsky being in danger. Starsky had to let Hutch know where he was at all times. The worst attack was when Starsky & Hutch were walking towards the Torino after a pleasant meal at a Mexican restaurant. A Black & White unit happened to turn into the parking lot. Hutch stopped dead in his tracks and pushed Starsky to the ground. The next thing Hutch could remember was an oxygen mask over his mouth, a paramedic taking his blood pressure and a pale Starsky telling him everything was okay. After that episode they discretely visited a Doctor friend of Huggy's who told Hutch he was having stress related panic attacks. He gave him breathing exercises and an offer of tranquilizers that Hutch declined.

"Hutch! Remember to breathe deep, baby. Breathe slow and deep. Everything is good. Nothin's gonna happen to me, I promise. This is just an act. Theatrics. Razzle Dazzle. Remember? Remember Neely telling you to look mean and let the reporters glimpse your gun and your vest? All a game, baby."

Hutch's breathing evened out. 

"Atta, boy, Hutch. We got this, baby, Me and Thee."

Hutch sighed.

"Always, Starsk. Me and Thee... and Grant." Hutch added and smiled.

"Go finish dressing, babe. It's almost time to leave."

Starsky bit back the words he wanted to say about Grant Neely. Neely was a trim, handsome, auburn haired man. His green eyes were striking and his movements spoke of elegance and class. Neely was an excellent lawyer and being gay himself, gave his heart, soul and expertise to cases concerning gay rights. He was also obviously attracted to Hutch.

And Hutch, in his present state of high anxiety and vulnerability was in great danger of being swept off his feet.

Starsky ran a hand over his face. He knew Neely was too much of a professional to jeopardize the case by wooing Hutch. But it didn't stop Neely from gaining Hutch's trust and gazing into his eyes while he talked strategy. Starsky couldn't wait for the hearing to be over. He might just fly Hutch off to Tahiti for a week or two.

Hutch exited the bedroom and leaned for a moment against the door frame. Neely had groomed and dressed both of them. They both had sharp looking haircuts. Their hair was trimmed and cut expertly. Somehow Neely had performed a not so minor miracle. Hutch's mustache was left behind at the salon. Instead of traditional suits, Neely had opted for a more fashionable version of their usual style. Starsky wore a dark brown suede jacket with khaki pants. A chocolate brown cotton dress shirt and a tie that matched his eyes.

Starsky couldn't help but stare at Hutch. He wore a tailored denim sports coat with a black t-shirt, tight black jeans and black boots. His hair and eyes glowed atop all that subdued color. But it was his smile that quickened Starsky's pulse.

"I'm ready Starsk. Let's go."

There was a knock on the door. Hutch just about pushed Starsky out of the way to answer it. They were both surprised to see Detectives Simmons and Babcock.

"Hey, Guys." said Simmons.

Babcock continued. "We were in the neighborhood so..."

Hutch smiled and opened the door all the way. Starsky took in the sight of six Black & Whites and Babcock's car waiting to escort them to the courthouse.

Starsky was stunned at his brother's in black show of solidarity.

"Babs? Did my lawyer arrange..." Starsky glanced at Hutch's who looked just as shocked as he did.

"Nah. It was Simmons. When he heard what happened I almost had to cuff him to keep him from killing Ryan. Him and Dobey came up with this little conspiracy. All these guys are off duty. On their own time. There were even more guys willing to take a day off, but Dobey said somebody had to protect Bay City while Starsky & Hutch were gone."

Babcock's voice was filled with pride.

Simmons said simply, "We miss you two morons."

Starsky embraced Simmons while Hutch did the same with Babcock.

"Thanks, guys." said Starsky softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on a quote I read about a real Police Chief  
> " ...a letter dated in the 1970s in which then LAPD Chief of Police Edward Davis  
> rejects an invitation to “Gay Pride Week” with shocking discrimination. He writes, “I would much rather celebrate ‘Gay Conversion Week’ which I will gladly sponsor when the medical practitioners in this country find a way to convert gays to heterosexuals.”


	4. Hold Your Head High

Neely and Dobey stood at the ornate courthouse doors looking over the sea of cops, reporters and spectators milling around near the street.

Flashes of red lights and the accompanying heart stopping sound of police sirens assaulted their ears as Starsky & Hutch made a dramatic entrance.

Neely raised his eyebrows and grinned while Dobey shook his head at the spectacle.

Hutch emerged first from Babcock's understated brown Thunderbird. His blond hair caught the sun and the attention of at least a dozen cameras. Hutch scanned the crowd for danger. He placed a hand on his hip, pulling back his denim jacket, which showed to full advantage his holster, his Magnum. his bulletproof vest beneath his tee and his long leggy profile encased in black & blue. The noise level of the crowd increased with the sounds of appreciative whistles and catcalls.

Babcock & Simmons followed making an elaborate show of gesturing to the uniforms to get ready to escort Starsky up the marble stairs of justice.

When Starsky was allowed by his protective brothers to finally exit the vehicle. The sounds of clapping and encouraging shouts met his ears. Starsky wore a serious look, but his eyes were shining brightly. A few obscene curses were heard here and there, one look from Hutch shut them down.

The four detectives joined arms and flanked by a dozen uniformed officers, slowly made their way up the stairs to where Dobey and Neely waited for them. 

"Perfect, Starsky! You handled that perfectly, Detectives!" said Neely when they reached the doorway.

Simmons and Babcock released their hold on Starsky and Hutch and nodded at Dobey.

"Glad to help," said Babcock.

"And you, Hutch! Great performance. Your scowl scared me to death. Ever think of becoming an actor?" Neely brushed his hand lightly against Hutch's shoulder blade.

"I wasn't acting Grant. I was protecting Starsky. It's what I do."

"Let's get this over with," Starsky smiled slightly and pulled Hutch away from the crowd and Grant Neely.

.oOOo.

Chief Ryan watched in disgust as Neely, Dobey, Starsky and Hutch entered the courtroom.

Several reporters and sketch artists had already obtained Neely's permission to cover the hearing. They sat with eager faces on the back bench. Dobey and Hutch sat down close to the front rail, while Starsky and Neely sat at the defendants table. There were several official looking people already seated. Starsky recognized the mayor of Bay City, his entourage and another police chief who looked vaguely familiar. Starsky felt butterflies starting in his stomach. He hoped the hearing would be over quickly, because if he felt nervous, Hutch would surely pick up on it and feel nervous too. And Hutch's well being was really all that mattered to Starsky.

Starsky glanced at Hutch. He was listening attentively to what Dobey was whispering in his ear. Dobey had a calming hand on Hutch's shoulder. Starsky knew Dobey was taking care of Hutch even if the big blond never noticed. Starsky felt calmer at the sight. Then he glanced over at the Mayor who was having an intense three way conversation with the police chief and a suit. The police chief caught Starsky's eye and gave him a nod and a smile.

Neely leaned in.

"Starsky!. This is great! That's Police Chief Nolan from Manhattan Beach talking to the Mayor. The first gay police chief in California. I met him at a gay pride event. He's a great man, a real hero. Soft spoken but hard as nails when he needs to be. A lot like Hutch."

Starsky frowned at the mention of Hutch. Grant Neely would be lucky if he made it through this hearing without a black eye from his jealous client. 

Starsky smirked and said, "I can't wait for this circus of yours to be over. Think I'll take my partner on a long vacation, just the two of us. Alone."

"Sounds heavenly. Too bad you two are just friends." Neely smirked right back.

"All rise." called the bailiff, putting an end to all conversations

.oOOo.

In later years Starsky would admit that Grant Neely was terrific that day. He opened the simple hearing with a theatrical show.

"I have in this hand," Neely held up a thick folder for the Judge and the reporters to see, "recommendations stating that Detective David Starsky is mentally and physically fit for return to active duty."

Neely held up an even thicker folder.

"In this hand I have signed statements from one hundred citizens of Bay City, attesting to the fact that Detective David Starsky's actions saved their lives or the life of a loved one. All one hundred grateful, alive, citizens want Detective David Starsky reinstated. Those one hundred are only from the last two years of cases the Detective and his partner handled. There are hundreds more."

Neely looked the Mayor in the eyes. He had to make his case quickly before the Judge asked him to stop using his courtroom as a stage. Neely pushed ahead. He glanced at Hutch. His expressive blue eyes were shining with pride.

"Detective Starsky and his partner Detective Ken Hutchinson have been serving and protecting this fine city for many years. Their arrest record is astounding. Their commendations exceptional. This city is a better place to live in because of them. Their bodies bear the scars of the war they fight on our behalf. The war against drugs, against hatred and murder. And against prejudice."

Starsky was looking down at the table in front of him. Neely was talking about the good that Hutch and he did everyday and he was proud. So proud to be part of that. So proud of Hutch.

"Detective David Starsky is being denied the ability to do the thing he does best. Protect and serve. And why? Because he has personal feelings that are considered by some to be outside of the norm. Personal. As in he doesn't flaunt them. He doesn't act on them at work. As a matter of fact he hasn't acted on these personal feelings since he took the oath to protect and serve. David Starsky is a cop. A good cop. What he holds in his heart has only made him a better cop. An exceptional cop. That should be the only thing that matters to the citizens of Bay City."

Neely placed the two folders in front of the Judge. Signaling he was finished. He noticed the reporters busily writing his speech in their notebooks. The artists giving him quick glances to capture his expressions. Neely gave Hutch a wink and sat down by Starsky.

Chief Ryan's attorney, Bill Harris, was having a hurried conference with the Mayor's suits. Ryan was turning red and scowling, mumbling what seemed to be curses under his breath.

"May I approach the bench, your honor?" Mr. Harris asked. The Judge nodded agreement.

Neely grabbed Starsky's arm.

"Yes! I think we did it, Starsky. I think they want to settle! Oh, man! This is going to be a landmark case." 

Starsky turned and gave Hutch and Dobey a discreet thumbs up. He watched as Hutch's face lit up with relief and love.

.oOOo.

Neely agreed to settle out of court. The Mayor on his own volition granted Chief Ryan a somewhat early retirement and announced to the press that Sean Nolan was Bay City's new police chief. Chief Nolan's first act in his new position was reinstating Detective David Starsky to active duty. The Mayor was granting a special promotion to lieutenant for Starsky and his partner Hutchinson for outstanding performance of duty.

Neely, Starsky and Hutch met in the new Chief's office to sign the final papers that allowed Starsky to get on with his life officially. Starsky was to return to duty in three weeks and Hutch volunteered to end his leave on the same day. 

"Your first week will be spent with me Lieutenants, I want your input on setting up a department dedicated to public and in house education."

They all shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. Both Starsky and Hutch were looking forward to working with Chief Nolan. 

In the hallway outside the Chief's office, Neely stopped the partners.

"Can I take you two out to dinner? My treat? How about that new steak house. Manaro's?" Neely was all smiles.

"The place that has the special salad with real blue cheese dressing? " asked Hutch.

"Yeah. That's the one. Aged steaks and great salads. What do you say, Starsky?"

Starsky really wanted Grant Neely to disappear. But he did do a wonderful job and deserved his gratitude. Besides Hutch looked excited about the salad, it could be fun.

"Sure, Neely. Sounds good. We can take my car..."

"Lieutenant Starsky?" 

Chief Nolan interrupted.

"There are some forms to sign regarding your gun permit. Would you mind giving me a few more minutes?"

"Be right there, Sir," said Starsky.

"You can meet us there, Starsky," said Neely. "Hutch and I will take my car and grab a table. Manaro's can get pretty busy."

Starsky looked at Hutch and sighed. He thought Hutch looked a little peaked and wanted him to eat.

"Okay. You guys can start on the rabbit food. When you're ready you can order me a steak so rare it's still mooin'."

Starsky watched Hutch chuckle and gently pulled him into a hug. He could tell Hutch was a little anxious at being separated from him and was trying to hide it.

"I won't be long, babe," he assured him.

.oOOo.

Neely couldn't believe his luck. He finally had Hutch alone. Beautiful, blond, gay, Hutch. Even his nickname sent shivers down his spine. He felt a little guilty for taking advantage of the personal information Starsky & Hutch had revealed to him. But he had won their case for them. Knowing Hutch was free with no ties to Starsky apart from friendship was his bonus for a job well done.

Plus, Hutch needed this. He needed to come out of that closet Starsky trapped him in. Hutch needed someone to show him what he'd been missing. Neely was always good at making a case for what he wanted.

Manaro's Steak House was housed in a sprawling old mansion once owned by a thirties movie star. Neely pulled into the parking lot that fronted the beach. They got out of Neely's car and stopped a moment to face the stretch of misted sand. The sounds and scents of the Pacific came out of the dark and surrounded them. Hutch breathed deep and peered into the night, just catching a glimpse of the white caps of waves in the distance. 

"Hutch? Can I talk to you for a few minutes before we go in?"

"Sure, Grant." said Hutch absently. He took another deep breath.

Neely marveled at the man before him. Strong, tall and golden, the rising moon seemed to give him an otherworldly glow. Neely moved close. He gently touched Hutch's jacket.

"Hutch. You are a beautiful man. And I'm very attracted to you." Neely moved even closer.

"I... I know... I... mean... I could tell."

"Hutch? Do you find me attractive?"

"Yes. Well... I... mean, it's been forever. I don't... don't know how to... Starsk says I should try again maybe, but..."

"Hutch? See? Even Starsky approves..." 

Neely went in for a kiss.

Hutch pulled away. He couldn't do it. He was Starsky's body and soul. Even though Starsky didn't want him, he needed to be only his. Hutch felt his breathing speed up. He began to feel dizzy and see flashes of silver across his eyes. Run. He had to run.

Hutch took off down the beach.

"Huuuutch!" cried Neely. "Oh! Fuck! Huuuutch! Come back! Starsky's going to kill me!"

Neely got back in his car debating whether to take off or face Starsky. Somehow he couldn't leave Hutch all alone. He might calm down and come back. 

Neely hit his steering wheel with both his palms.

"Fuck that sweet, beautiful, blond! He wasn't even a good kisser!"

Neely's decision was made for him when he saw the Torino enter the parking lot. Neely got out of the car and walked slowly towards Starsky If there ever was a time he needed a silver tongue it was now.

"Starsky! Hi!... Hutch is taking a little run on the beach. Should be back shortly."

Starsky frowned.

"Hutch is running? Now? In the dark?"

Neely nodded. 

"I... I thought it was strange too, but to each his own."

Starsky noticed the slight stutter. Grant Neely never stuttered.

"What did you do, Neely?"

Neely found himself pushed face down against the Torino's hood by an angry Starsky.

"Nothing! Really! Just stole a little kiss. Barely touched him! He was so beautiful in the moonlight, I lost my head. He's fine I swear."

Starsky gritted his teeth.

"Did he panic?"

"Yeah, no, well I guess..."

Starsky pushed harder.

"DID HE HAVE A PANIC ATTACK?"

"Yes! I think. He ran. Towards the water."

Starsky let Neely up and pushed him roughly out of the way. Starsky stomped to his trunk, opened it and pulled out a flashlight and a blanket.

"Neely, I appreciated what you did for me and Hutch. but you never shoulda touched my man."

"Your man? But I thought..."

"You thought wrong. Hutch doesn't know yet. So you didn't know. So I won't kill you this time."

"This time?"

"Yeah. Consider this your 'Thank You' gift. Thank you for all ya done. Now get out of my life and never touch my Hutch again."

Starsky took off at a run towards the beach. 

Neely watched Starsky's muscular body disappear into the night.

"Damn! Picked the wrong partner," said Neely

.oOOo.

Starsky stood by the crashing waves. He swept the beach with his light. Nothing on his right. But on his left, among the shadowy shapes of a long forgotten driftwood fire, he spotted a flash of silver crowning a hunched over form.

Starsky dropped on the sand in front of Hutch. He was sitting on a partially burned log, staring out over the ocean. His eyes reflected the moonlight's play on the waves. His wet hair was silvered by it's touch. He was soaked and shaking in the cool breeze.

Starsky had never seen anything so beautiful.

"Hey, Blondie. You okay?"

Hutch shivered and dropped his eyes.

Starsky wrapped the blanket he brought around Hutch's shoulders. Hutch clung to it desperately and pulled it close.

"Why you all wet, babe? You go for a swim?"

Starsky had been checking his partner discretely for signs of injury and found none. Hutch's eyes were bright and aware. He noticed Hutch's breathing was normal, except that he was cold and trembling. But something was very wrong.

"Hutch! You gotta talk to me! What happened?"

Starsky moved to sit next to Hutch on the darkened log. He wrapped his arms around Hutch and pulled him close to his side.

"Baby?" Starsky whispered, entreating Hutch to speak.

Hutch took a steadying breath.

"Grant tried to kiss me, Starsk. He was nice about it. Called me a beautiful man..."

"You are, Hutch. So beautiful. Inside and out."

Starsky took Hutch's hands in his and tried to warm them.

Hutch didn't seem to notice and continued.

"I panicked. I had another stupid panic attack. Forgot all about breathing deep and calming down. I had to run. I ran right to the water's edge and kept running. I ran till the waves were all around me pulling me under. I tried to outrun my panic. But I couldn't. Then I realized I was drowning."

Starsky stilled, then cleared his throat. Tears had formed in his eyes while he listened.

"Baby? Were you trying to kill yourself?" 

"No. I... No, Starsk. I felt like I had to break free of my own mind. I... I had to drown my own thoughts. If I drowned too..."

Hutch finally looked at Starsky. He saw the love and compassion floating in Starsky's brimming tears. Hutch gave him a half-smile.

"I couldn't do that to you, Starsk. I couldn't kiss Grant. I couldn't drown myself. I couldn't leave you with no protection from the hurt in this world. I had to come back to you, like you came back to me. My life isn't my own to do with as I want. I gave my life and my heart to you when I first met you. You have it still. You own it. Starsky, I... I'm going to ask one more time. Then I'm going to let it be and try to move on."

Starsky held his breath.

"Starsk? I love you. Will you love me all the way? Mind, body and soul? Will you be mine and only mine, forever?

Starsky let out a gruff, "Yes."

Starsky dropped back to his knees in front of Hutch and took his face in both his hands.

"Yes, Hutch. Yes. Yes. I want you. I want only you. Fuck the dreams of a normal life. Fuck being normal. If loving you and making love to you is abnormal then... Fuck! Yes! I wanna be as abnormal as they come. It's 1980, baby. Time for us to show the world what the power of love can do! I'm gonna hold my head high and shout to the world that this big, blond, beautiful, man is mine. I love you, Hutch. I... I think I just married you, babe!"

Hutch closed his eyes as a feeling of absolute calm enfolded his senses. He opened his eyes and smiled, making Starsky feel warm and giddy.

"Well, Starsk. Better kiss me just to seal the deal."

The kiss was long and deep. It reached the innermost desires of both men, crushing old hurts and wasted dreams. A new love was born. Born from the essence of both. A new love so sweet it would nourish and heal their wounds. So strong it would be indestructible and so full of life it would endure beyond death.

They held on to each other for what seemed like forever. Gently touching and listening to the music of the surf. Till Hutch's shivers broke the spell and Starsky grew concerned.

"Come on, Hutch. We need to get you home and into a hot bath, then get some food into ya."

Hutch let Starsky pull him to his feet and wrap a steadying arm around his waist.

"And then, Starsk?" Hutch said softly.

"And then... I take you to bed and seal the deal every way we can. You ain't never getting out of this, babe. This here is the real deal."

Starsky & Hutch, heads held high, walked across the moonlit sand towards the Torino and their new life.


End file.
